Funny Games - Adventures Of St Bernard - Classic ZX Spectrum Game

The Adventures Of St Bernard
Hey folks! This 'classic game' (ahem) has already appeared in the 'crap games' section of my ZX Spectrum Games blog - but it is such a bad game it makes it funny!

Would you believe that Carnell actually had the audacity to charge £5.95 for this slice of 'arcade action' originally?

It wasn't even worth the £1.99 that Mastertronic were asking for a year later (that I shelled out) on re-release. Still, you've got to look back and laugh eh?

Mind you, the loading screen was okay at the time...

I need a barrel of brandy to get over this game

The whole point to the game was to rescue the usual damsel in distress from the clutches of the abominable snowman.

Gamers are the ones that need to be rescued from this abominable computer game. The inlay instructions actually used words like 'intrepid' and 'icy wastelands' to convey the terror and action of the situation. Unfortunately it doesn't work quite like that...

The game is a horizontally scrolling affair (supposed arcade action), and you control the hero who must fend off attacks from wolves and jump over broken ice. Attacks always occur from your rear, so you can scare them away by turning to face them or if you time it right, bite them (use your imagination please) to kill them outright.

After you have got far enough (the background scrolls painfully slowly) you will reach stage two!

Now you have to jump over water patches and avoid the walrusses that poke their heads up through the ice-holes.

Turn You Unresponsive Bastard!

If you have the luck or patience you'll reach stage three where you have to climb a hill and avoid the rolling snowballs. A bit like a really crappy Donkey Kong on ice with virtually no chance of the player winning.

If you make it past this it'll be more by luck than judgement - I never ever did, and never ever will.

The controls are sluggish, the graphics laughable, the sound pretty much non-existent and the gameplay.... well there is no gameplay. You will laugh as you press the jump key and wait for an hour for your character to respond.

You will laugh as you somehow manage to fend off the attackers without really knowing how you did it. This game really is so bad, it somehow becomes good.

Check out my valiant attempts in the video below:

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